Student Feels Identifiable Emotion
Last Thursday, senior industrial distribution major Lauren Klein reported that she experienced her first emotion in over eight months.
“It was a miracle,” Klein said. “I’ve spent the past eight months going through the silly little motions of life in an emotional wasteland, and I almost didn’t recognize it when it happened.”
Counseling and Psychological Services director Steven Johansson says his team immediately got to work following Klein’s emotional occurrence, hoping to get to the bottom of this phenomenon. “Our reports of students feeling absolutely nothing inside have skyrocketed since March,” Johansson said. “Ms. Klein’s resurgence of emotion is remarkable because it could mean that there is hope for restoring a normal range of emotions for our desolate student body.”
This effort to incite any form of positive emotion in students has been ongoing. According to Johansson’s research, only three emotions were previously identified among students before Klein’s breakthrough: anxiety, despair, and hopelessness.
University officials could not immediately tell us what this emerging emotion was reported as. However, outside sources close to Klein reveal that it might even have been a good emotion, as she had finally finished knitting a blanket she had started seven months ago during quarantine.
— Broken Reed Arena
It’s 9:47 on a Thursday night. Your group project is due at midnight, and there’s one member who hasn’t added any of her work yet: Broken Reed Arena. She won’t answer her phone, but you know where she is from her Snapchat story — she’s faithfully cheering on the women’s basketball team. You say a prayer. Suddenly, at 11:53, her perfectly formatted portion of the project appears in the google drive, just in time for submission. No one knows how she does it, and no one dares to ask.