The Cadet You Like Just Completely Disregarded Basic Human Rights

The khaki-clad cutie you have your eye on spent the majority of his morning throwing the personal, sentimental belongings of college freshmen all over their respective rooms. They then decided to take a nap to recover from morning P.T., in which they made their fish crawl from the Quad to Lot 40. If you’re lucky, this Old Army angel will one day coach your child’s youth soccer team.

After their 10:00 a.m. nap, your pisshead pookie waited with bated breath at his door’s peephole until a fish walked down the hall. They proceeded to utilize information gleaned from an in-depth social media search to demean this bald teenager, a wonderful testament to the way they will judge you based on your past actions and decisions. After this university-sanctioned power trip, your hazing hottie returned to their room to determine how they would exploit the insecurities of their fish.

Before evening formation, your buzz-cutted boo bear verbally berated an athletically-challenged adolescent for their genetically-determined body size, conveniently forgetting that they themselves had lost 20 pounds during their freshman year. One day, they will preach the importance of loving yourself the way you are to your teenage daughter.

Fortunately, all of the ways in which your camouflage cutie pie mistreats other human beings will be conveniently lied about when you two get paired up for a lab assignment in CHEM 112 next week.

 

— Flash it Back, Ags