String of Golf Cart Thefts Terrorize Campus
Last week, the University Police Department (UPD) reported a series of nefarious thefts orchestrated by a criminal mastermind who has been terrorizing campus and targeting critical university infrastructure in an attempt to bring it to its knees. According to the multiple, urgent email updates sent to the student body, several golf carts have been stolen and then parked in different locations on campus by the ne’er-do-well.
In an attempt to maintain order, UPD spokesperson Aaron Reyvas assured the student body the UPD would do everything in its power to apprehend the delinquent. “We have devoted all of our resources to catching this reckless lawbreaker,” Reyvas said. “GPS tracking devices have been installed on all campus golf carts, and our officers are patrolling popular cart-parking locations every 15 minutes to ensure this crime never takes place again.”
When asked about the recent aggravated sexual assault on campus and the reports of multiple drug-facilitated sexual assaults taking place off-campus, Reyvas refocused his comments on the golf cart investigations. “We cannot comment on those investigations at this time. We take every crime very seriously, but it’s important to ensure the property of our great university is protected.”
Students are encouraged to remain vigilant and report any suspicious golf cart activity to UPD by calling 979-845-2345. University officials strongly recommend victims of golf cart larceny seek appropriate support from university resources such as Counseling & Psychological Services.
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.