Have You Seen This Man?
On September 10th, 2020 at 2:15 p.m., the Texas A&M University Police Department (UPD) received a report of Failure to Comply with Face Covering Policies and Aggravated Nicotine Usage.
The incident took place just north of Evans Library. The suspect was asked by a Texas A&M University police officer to put on a mask and stop “juuling” on campus in accordance with new campus-wide face covering policies. The suspect responded negatively and pushed the officer off of his segway before receiving high-fives from a surrounding group of white males, assumed to be the suspect’s “bros.” The suspect and his companions all fled the scene on motorized skateboards.
Based on in-depth psychoanalysis, the suspect is thought to be in the STEM field and harbors a sense of superiority towards liberal arts majors. He is also assumed to be a member of a men’s organization or fraternity based on his interactions with the abetting group of males. Forensic evidence points toward the suspect having a nicotine addiction and at least one sexually transmitted disease.
If you know anyone that fits this description, do not hesitate to leave an anonymous tip at 1-800-BADGUY.
— I Took a Pill in Sbisa
What’s Chartwells serving today? More pasta? Better get in line before –– hey! That guy just cut in front of you! You start to tap him on the shoulder and ask just what the hell he thinks he’s doing, but then you see it: The grown-out platinum hair. The arm decked out in kandi bracelets. The pinpoint pupils. It’s I Took a Pill in Sbisa! He looks at you –– no, through you –– and glides away.