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Have You Seen This Man?

By I Took a Pill in Sbisa , in Campus Life , at September 11, 2020 Tags: , , , ,

On September 10th, 2020 at 2:15 p.m., the Texas A&M University Police Department (UPD) received a report of Failure to Comply with Face Covering Policies and Aggravated Nicotine Usage.

The incident took place just north of Evans Library. The suspect was asked by a Texas A&M University police officer to put on a mask and stop “juuling” on campus in accordance with new campus-wide face covering policies. The suspect responded negatively and pushed the officer off of his segway before receiving high-fives from a surrounding group of white males, assumed to be the suspect’s “bros.” The suspect and his companions all fled the scene on motorized skateboards.

Based on in-depth psychoanalysis, the suspect is thought to be in the STEM field and harbors a sense of superiority towards liberal arts majors. He is also assumed to be a member of a men’s organization or fraternity based on his interactions with the abetting group of males. Forensic evidence points toward the suspect having a nicotine addiction and at least one sexually transmitted disease.

If you know anyone that fits this description, do not hesitate to leave an anonymous tip at 1-800-BADGUY.

 

— I Took a Pill in Sbisa