University Employees Hope for Swift First COVID-19 Student Death
As the semester begins and the likelihood of a COVID-19 outbreak on campus mounts, Texas A&M University employees have secretly been wishing for the first student death to occur before they contract the virus themselves.
After the University of Texas at Austin announced that the death of a student (not a university employee) would trigger immediate closure of campus, staff and faculty at Texas A&M took note. Local supermarkets have seen an increase in the sales of prayer candles, and Google search results for “how to hex an entire student body” are at an all-time high.
University employees looking to relocate elsewhere have found little success. “I’ve been applying for other jobs since March,” custodian Gary Houston said. “But I haven’t gotten any offers, and my savings just ran out.”
With freshmen moving into crowded dorms and off-campus parties starting up again, university employees are hopeful that campus will close in the next few weeks.
“Maybe I should enroll in an online course so that if I die, my life won’t be seen as an acceptable price to pay for an in-person fall semester,” said food service worker Quentin Holliday.
— Ring Chunks
No, Ring Chunks is feeling fine, really. Yeah, it was a long journey to the bottom of the pitcher, but she knew that coming into her dunk. That’s why she made sure to let it sit overnight and pick a light beer she didn’t care for and – oh. Oh no. Um, okay, let’s just move her here to the trash can – wait, why is it full? Oh God, Ring Chunks, just keep it together until we can reach the toilet – NO! NOT IN THE KITCHEN SINK!