Total Nerd Joins Astronomy Club, Accidentally Rushes FIJI
In a strange twist of events, freshman Josh Satter accidentally rushed suspended Greek organization FIJI this semester after he attempted to join a mysterious “Astronomy Club” on campus. Satter’s friends told Mugdown reporters that Satter first encountered the so-called “Astronomy Club” at a social event in August. Encouraged by the “Astronomy Club” banner and hoping to share his passion for astrophysics with like-minded students, Satter approached the hosts and expressed interest in participating in fall recruitment.
“I did think it was kinda weird when Josh started wearing a suit to his classes,” said Benton Astor, Satter’s roommate. “But I wasn’t really concerned until Satter started staying out all night to DD for random frat guys. He always did his homework and went to bed at like 10 p.m. before he rushed.”
Known as FIJI for short, Phi Gamma Delta is a Greek fraternity that was suspended in November of 2018 by the Offices of the Dean of Student Life for violating university hazing and alcohol policies. An anonymous source confirmed that FIJI regularly operates under an “Astronomy Club” alias at events such as tailgates and Chilifest. Although suspended student organizations are prohibited from officially participating in on-campus activities and from exercising privileges afforded to recognized student organizations, several suspended organizations are rumored to host events both on-campus and off-campus under pseudonyms.
After an initial culture shock, Satter has reportedly adjusted well to life as an “Astronomy Club” pledge. “I helped our social chair host a killer space-themed darty last week,” Satter said. “My brothers totally helped me understand gravitational force when they made me do two keg stands last night.”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.