Chartwells Announces Addition of Adderall to Aggie Express Markets
Campus food service company Chartwells has announced that they will begin selling Adderall to students at Aggie Express markets around campus today. The drug will be available on a trial basis, starting with the Evans Library market. The price is expected to be five pills for 25 dollars or one pill in exchange for a retail swipe.
The Chartwells spokesperson who announced the plan cited the high proportion of students who use Adderall. “Over time, we have observed a change in the patterns of consumption among students,” the spokesperson said. “Serving customers their preferred products has always been important to our company, and we see this as a win-win for students and our business.”
However, other voices within Chartwells have a different take. A disgruntled and anonymous Aggie Express cashier was quick to point out that Chartwells was aware of how much the student body disliked the company and noted that high-level executives had been actively looking for ways to win back the favor of their customer base. “There’s no better way to win back customers that your policies, high prices, and mediocre food have alienated than getting them addicted to controlled substances,” the cashier said.
The university did not respond to a request for a comment on the matter. However, an internal memo from the Office of the Dean of Student Life obtained by The Mugdown states that the program has support based on potential increases in grades, attendance, revenue, and student approval of Chartwells.
Students seemed enthusiastic when asked about the new item on the shelves. “I know that Chartwells is pretty crummy, but they are probably less shady than how I normally get my [sic] addys,” junior Lane Shingleton said. When asked about how many he would buy, Shingleton was happy to share. “I will probably use up most of my retail swipes on Adderall. I lose my appetite when I’m on the stuff, so I’ll save money there, not to mention lose some weight. Plus, my beer pong game has been off lately, so I need all the help I can get to get my edge back. Practice makes perfect! Shouldn’t hurt my grades either.”
Once the trial phase of a month is over, Chartwells plans to stock all of their marketplaces on campus with Adderall, with a goal of completing the rollout by Thanksgiving break. There are also plans to add Adderall to existing vending machines by as early as the next semester.
— CTE-Walk
Several years ago during Elephant Walk, CTE-Walk took a major league bonk to the noggin when a squirrel dropped his nut-based breakfast on the unsuspecting senior. Disoriented, she looked up just in time to see an ACME anvil flatten her face into two dimensions. As she peeled herself off the pavement and reinflated, she walked into a faux doorway painted onto the wall of the Academic Building. In her confusion, she stumbled across the seal, dooming her to a never-ending Groundhog Day of senior year.