Animal Control Warns Against Poking Sleeping Cadets
In a recent press conference, Justin Sider, the director of Bryan/College Station Animal Control, announced new community guidelines on what to do if you cross paths with a sleeping cadet. The guidelines have been released in response to a recent incident in which a Texas A&M University student was critically injured after coming into contact with a cadet in Evans Library.
“Cadets are extremely irritable and territorial creatures,” Sider said. “They need space and a quiet environment, given that they are in a state of hibernation most of the day. If a cadet attacks you, the most effective defensive maneuver is to play dead. Do not attempt to outrun or out-yell the cadet.”
The injured Texas A&M student was reportedly dared by her friends to poke the napping cadet. The cadet in question then woke up and bit off the student’s hand before proceeding to go back to sleep. The identity of the female student remains undisclosed, but her mother sent out the following warning on Facebook to other A&M students:
“This is not some silly game — this is a matter of life or death. My daughter could have been killed because of her recklessness. Don’t be another statistic and make smart decisions.”
It has been reported that the Corps will not discipline the cadet responsible for this attack. General Joe E. Ramirez released a statement defending the cadet, saying “She should have known better than to poke the sleeping cadet.”
— Crystal MATLAB
Think of that tool that you always dread having in your group for a project. Yes, that’s the one, that no-good slacker who always rides on everyone’s coattails. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Crystal MATLAB. When he isn’t busy snorting drugs in a bathroom stall of Zachry, he can be found hastily attempting to copy someone’s MATLAB assignment that’s already past due.