CAPS to Rent Out Offices Nightly to Raise Funds
After facing the hardship of being moved to portables near White Creek, Counseling and Psychological Services has continued to struggle this year after recently being relocated to central campus and feeling the full weight of being understaffed. With students experiencing wait times of up to four weeks for a counseling appointment, CAPS has decided to secure funds by using their allocated space as a hotel where guests may stay in their offices overnight.
Since staffing the Student Services Building to function as a hotel would be expensive, CAPS is having its employees work overtime to serve as concierges and bellhops. Therapy chairs have been converted to pull-out beds, and conference room tables will serve as dining tables. The new hotel hopes it can use the building’s pre-existing art pieces to give off an air of elegance and attract upper echelon guests.
“When the university moved us out to West Campus, I guess they felt really bad,” said CAPS counselor Darell Kimble. “When they finished the building, they spent all kinds of money to pay penance and apologize. I wish they had just given us a raise or hired more staff instead.”
Despite their original location being replaced by another hotel, the Student Services Building has had no trouble securing guests for the fall semester. However, the hotel has unintentionally secured far more reservations from students than alumni.
Most students that have booked rooms say they are uninterested in the hotel itself. “I just want a guaranteed time slot that the staff will help me,” sophomore Damien Girard said. “Since the wait staff will be counselors, I figure I can grab some food and get more help in a meal than I currently do in a month.”
— Anime Sciences
Treading silently through the Kleberg Center amongst the yeeyees and horse girls, we find Anime Sciences making his way to class with his head bowed. An inattentive freshmen accidentally walks into him, and suddenly the crowded hallway goes hush. A mind-bendingly long series of close-ups, confused grunts, and angry growls signals the triggering of Anime Sciences’ wrath as he unsheathes his katana from its holster. Uttering a rapid flurry of insults in English that somehow don’t match the movement of his lips, he challenges the freshman to either flee or face certain death. The fish scampers off. Order is restored in West Campus.