Grim Reaper Accepts Fraternity Bid
Last week, the fourth horseman of the apocalypse and college freshman, Death, accepted a bid from the fraternity Sigma Alpha Eta.
While participating in rush throughout August, the personification of death received invitations to multiple events from each fraternity and took every opportunity to get to know the actives within each group.
“Any of the fraternities would do,” Death said when asked why he chose Sigma Alpha Eta. “All of them have welcomed me with open arms. I just chose one at random. I’ve also been hanging out with the other fraternities’ guys. Really, I’m just surprised none of them cared about, well, y’know,” Death said while gesturing to his all-black garb, glowing eyes, and 7-foot long scythe.
The actives in Sigma Alpha Eta have been elated since Death announced his decision. When asked what they like about the Pale Rider, they all agreed on what his presence does for parties. “He just, really livens things up,” said Scott Schultz, Sigma Alpha Eta Recruitment Chair. “Just by hanging around our parties, he ups the ante and makes every night one to remember.”
The Angel of Death’s popularity has even spread to sororities, despite him only arriving on campus this summer. “He’s already gotten close with a lot of my sisters,” said Erika Linton, Tri Eta Vice President of Event Planning. “I told them to stay away from him; he seems like the dangerous type. But at our last social, they were all over him and kept taking pictures with him.”
“He’s so nice to me and my sisters!” said Tri Eta active Tricia Figueroa. “We’ve become a lot closer since becoming friends with Grim. He also said he wants to take us to his lake house on the “Lake of Fire.” I don’t know where that is, but it’ll just mean a fun road trip after semi-formal!”
Death said he considered joining the Corps of Cadets, but he decided to hold off after finding out about its full-time staff of non-college students. He hopes he can become good friends with cadets through Greek life friends later this fall.
— Anime Sciences
Treading silently through the Kleberg Center amongst the yeeyees and horse girls, we find Anime Sciences making his way to class with his head bowed. An inattentive freshmen accidentally walks into him, and suddenly the crowded hallway goes hush. A mind-bendingly long series of close-ups, confused grunts, and angry growls signals the triggering of Anime Sciences’ wrath as he unsheathes his katana from its holster. Uttering a rapid flurry of insults in English that somehow don’t match the movement of his lips, he challenges the freshman to either flee or face certain death. The fish scampers off. Order is restored in West Campus.