Campus Preachers to Roll Out ‘1-800-Brimstone’ Preaching Service

Campus preachers announced this week they will be offering a house call preaching service to students due to the ongoing outbreak of COVID-19.

Preachers such as Brother Jed have stated that house calls will be the best substitute since students unfortunately cannot converge to listen to their message. “I don’t think it’s ideal, but quite frankly, it’s the best we can do,” said preacher Brother Seymour. “Either we roll out a house call preaching service, or these students go without their weekly fire-and-brimstone message.”

Supporters have said that the service will allow students to be harassed and called heathens in a manner that adheres to social distancing standards. “We think students will be very pleased with our service,” preacher Will Clambett said. “It’s designed to simulate the feeling of being berated by a preacher on Military Walk or in Rudder Plaza. The level of immersion is incredible.”

One student, Randy Abrams, said he can’t wait to use the service. “You know, when I think about all the things I’m missing this semester due to the pandemic, I don’t find myself longing for nights at Northgate or baseball games at Olsen Field,” Abrams said.  “Instead, I yearn to be told I’m going to hell by a preacher on my way to class. That level of belittlement is just something I can’t get at home. Trust me, I’ve tried!”

As to when the service will be available, the spokesperson for 1-800-Brimstone stated that they hope to be operational by the end of the month.  The service will cost around 25 dollars an hour, but Texas A&M University students can receive a 10 percent discount with an active student ID.

 

— POLS Dancer