Corps of Cadets to Open Cadet Management System to Bootchasers

According to insider sources, the Corps of Cadets is altering the Cadet Management System (CMS) to make it accessible to bootchasers and boot investors. “We believe this change will encourage cadets to maintain physical fitness standards,” said General Joe Ramirez, Commandant of the Corps of Cadets. “The added pressure of the opposite sex viewing everything about you, from your weight and physical address to your mother’s phone number, will be an incentive for higher achievement in the Corps of Cadets, even during a quarantine.”

Changes to the system will include adding photographs of cadets in and out of uniform, listing their proximity and turn-ons, and uploading photos of the cadets’ boots (if applicable). Users can choose one of two options: “Gig me” by swiping right, or “Punch” by swiping left. Cadets will be scored on how many “Gig Me” swipes they achieve, earning demerits if “Gig Me” quotas are not met.

The Corps is also debating a “supergig” alternative where bootchasers can notify their favorite cadet they are available for marriage within the next year. Every student receives one “supergig” for free each month, but users can choose to subscribe to “CMS Plus” for extra “supergigs.” The outfit that receives the most “supergigs” within a month receives all profits made from that month’s subscriptions to donate to March of Dimes.

In order to reach these quotas, some outfits have gone to extreme measures. The Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band has begun sharing music on Soundcloud and has adopted new songs into their repertoire such as “Isn’t She Lovely,” “Drops of Jupiter,” “Sexy Back,” and “Beautiful Soul” in an attempt to woo the more musically inclined ladies. Members who play saxophone are oiling up and learning Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits.

Several cadets have begun posting their self-tanning experiences on TikTok and touting freshly tweezed brows on their Zoom lectures. Though the pandemic retired fish-cut standards, some outfits are requiring freshman cadets to adopt “man bun” looks to appeal to users with alternative tastes. In addition to a strict new workout routine, outfits have also been consuming mass amounts of protein powder and have had their mothers alter their uniforms so the khaki fabric will cling tighter to their sculpted cadet bodies when they return in the fall.

 

— Thanks & Gingham & Anime Sciences