Spirit of ’02 To Be Out of Commission for Upcoming Football Season
Lieutenant Colonel Jeff Gardner announced this morning that Parsons Mounted Cavalry would not be able to fire the Spirit of ’02, a 76mm field gun, at this season’s football games. “It seems that in this virus panic, someone went and bought up all the ammunition our gun uses,” said Gardner. “All of our normal sources are completely out of stock.”
Gardner went on to say that due to the very low number and the heavily regulated nature of privately owned artillery pieces, the suppliers lacked the means to produce enough ammunition to meet current demand.
Jebidiah Walker, a Navasota resident, recently received a large order for said shells. “I saw everyone getting all worked up about this virus, so I decided to stock up on the essentials in case this thing goes sideways,” Walker said. When asked what he could ever hope to do with hundreds of artillery shells, he replied “You never know.”
The Cavalry has promised to fire the cannon twice per touchdown in the fall of 2021 to make up for the hiatus. In the meantime, the cannon blast is to be replaced by popping a brown paper bag into a microphone.
— Hazed and Confused
Alright, alright, alright. You may think the frat daddy that always sits in the back of your math classes with a blank look on his face is just a hungover idiot. Well, you’re wrong. After going through both fraternity AND corps hazing, this soldier deserves your appreciation. Next time you’re in class taking an exam and covering your paper so he can’t cheat from behind you, give him a little peek. If he fails this class, that means another 100 burpees from his pisshead.