Darbi’s Diary: Is This Dinner or Fox & Friends?
Dear Diary,
What a week it’s been. It looks like I’m not the only one who will be graduating this spring. A few days ago, my dad decided he graduated from the Facebook College of Medicine while my mom received a degree from the Zoom School of Politics.
Every afternoon, Dad shuffles through about ten coronavirus-related meme pages while Mom gets the breaking news updates from her neighborhood video chat. Each night at the dinner table, I get an “accurate” update on political and world news.
“I just can’t believe the ‘C’ in COVID-19 stands for China,” Mom said tonight. “You know when you compare the number of infections to the number of heart attacks in the last three months, this whole thing just seems like a wash.”
Dad’s expertise has been lighting up the family text chat with an equal balance of misleading graphs and poorly constructed memes. If there is a downward trend bar graph or a bra mask photo, it’s getting sent to the family.
Don’t worry, though; their sources are always reliable. Mom said that Ms. McKinzie down the street used to volunteer at the animal shelter and is still good friends with a veterinarian who says this whole thing should blow over by mid-May.
It used to be so much fun refuting my parents, but I’ve kind of let that go. They just hit me with more misleading statistics and Facebook posts until it’s time for my mid-afternoon nap.
Hell… I hope Ms. Mckinzie is right, and we are out of this soon. I’m not sure how many more days I can survive getting asked over breakfast which I value the economy or elderly people more.
Until my next rant,
Darbi Deckchee
— Maroon Gloat
Every single night before she goes to bed, Maroon Gloat plans her outfit for the next day. She gets cold easily and needs something to constantly insulate her. She has tried jackets, pullovers, and even shawls, but nothing keeps her warm like coats. One day, she discovered reds and purples looked best on her — specifically maroon. She wears maroon with such confidence that it’s now become her trademark. Rumour has it you can find her driving golf carts during campus tours… there’s even a football game honoring how good it looks on her.