Christian Camp Counselors Excited for Summer of Traumatizing Gay Youth

Across Texas, Christian camp counselors are collectively blowing the dust off their Bibles and Chacos in preparation for an amazing summer of traumatizing gay youth in the woods.

Elsewhere, campers are reportedly excited about their upcoming time at camp, not realizing that a one-week summer camp that their parents signed them up for may become the single most traumatic event of their pubescent lives. Many tweens caught between their developing feelings for the same sex and their faith are eagerly packing their sleepaway bags.

“Honestly, I just can’t wait to meet my campers,” said Sarah Godwine, a counselor at T Bar M Camps whose continued profession of absolute faith in traditional marriage and Biblical gender roles will unwittingly scar at least one camper’s psyche nearly beyond repair. “I feel so blessed to get to share Jesus’ everlasting love with these kids.”

“Guiding my freshmen through their journey in Christ and college is so rewarding,” said Bruce Piper, a counselor for Impact Ministries. His BASIC Group will enable incoming LGBT freshmen to stay connected to friends they know will likely never accept them due to the explicit anti-gay bias built into camp time.

“I’m really hoping I get to see Jacob again,” said George Wilcox, a fourteen-year-old boy whose inaugural makeout session with a fellow male camper was the highlight of camp last year.

 

— Ring Chunks & Hullakazoo