University Cancels Every Tradition Except Xenophobia

This past week, Texas A&M University announced plans to cancel all of its well-known traditions with the exception of xenophobia.

This announcement was met with relief from students. “I understand canceling events for the safety of the community,” said sophomore Chelsea Keysar. “But ideology has never hurt anyone, and it’s not like we’re committing hate crimes. We’re just placing the blame for this terrible pandemic where it belongs: those bat-eating Asians.”

The decision to continue one of Texas A&M’s most deeply-rooted traditions was an easy one for faculty and staff. “We have already asked students to sacrifice so much for the wellbeing of their community,” said Derek Kirken, Director of Student Life. “Racism seemed like the easiest thing to keep around. The last thing we want is for the students to feel like we have taken away everything that makes Aggieland feel like Aggieland.”

Georgia Khan, president of one of the university’s many Asian heritage celebration clubs, expressed no surprise. “Yeah, sounds about right,” Khan said. “Racism against Asians often goes unnoticed because it tends to be less violent, but I’ve heard the things other students say about foreign professors — as well as students — and seen how they treat them.” However, Khan is still disappointed. “I guess I’d hoped for better from a school so well-known for its research than to blindly buy into a stereotype without exercising any form of critical thinking.”

President Michael K. Young has made no official comment yet but has assured concerned individuals that he has a campus-wide email in his drafts.

 

— Broken Reed Arena