Novel That Hasn’t Been Touched In Years Finally Getting Some Action
Earlier today, Landon Schultz’s 8-year-old copy of The Book Thief received a welcome surprise: Shultz was tracing his fingers along the book’s spine again.
Over its lifetime, the book had only been flipped through once for a seventh grade book report. Since then, the novel’s prospects for providing its owner with carnal knowledge once more seemed dim. Shultz’ touch, however, was charged with desire, renewing the spark between the two.
Schultz grasped the book in his strong hands and gazed at it with longing eyes. After a few euphoric minutes spent softly fingering through the first couple chapters, the sparkle in Shultz’ eyes gradually dimmed, his attention faded, and the book was left once again to collect dust on the shelf of Shultz’ childhood bedroom.
After realizing its unfortunate naivety, the book doesn’t know what else it expected. Sources close to The Mugdown report that it is typical of Shultz never to last longer than a few minutes.
— Squat Pilgrim
Look, you didn’t ask for your roommate to be the buffest guy in the hall. You’re not opposed to staying fit, but if we’re being honest, you have no idea what this guy is up to most of the time. He’s always drinking brightly colored concoctions, going on about PRs, and blasting the worst music you’ve ever heard while he takes mirror pic after mirror pic. You can’t deny it though: the dude’s got some thighs. Some thick, thunderous, meaty thighs. Sometimes you wonder if it’s really jealousy you’re feeling or if it’s… something else. Never mind.