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Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


Novel That Hasn’t Been Touched In Years Finally Getting Some Action

By Squat Pilgrim , in Local News , at April 22, 2020 Tags: , , ,

Earlier today, Landon Schultz’s 8-year-old copy of The Book Thief received a welcome surprise: Shultz was tracing his fingers along the book’s spine again.

Over its lifetime, the book had only been flipped through once for a seventh grade book report. Since then, the novel’s prospects for providing its owner with carnal knowledge once more seemed dim. Shultz’ touch, however, was charged with desire, renewing the spark between the two.

Schultz grasped the book in his strong hands and gazed at it with longing eyes. After a few euphoric minutes spent softly fingering through the first couple chapters, the sparkle in Shultz’ eyes gradually dimmed, his attention faded, and the book was left once again to collect dust on the shelf of Shultz’ childhood bedroom.

After realizing its unfortunate naivety, the book doesn’t know what else it expected. Sources close to The Mugdown report that it is typical of Shultz never to last longer than a few minutes.

 

— Squat Pilgrim