Sophomore Forgets Lab Safety Acknowledgment, Destroys Future
In a tragic turn of events, sophomore biomedical sciences major Alissa Frankton forgot to sign her lab safety acknowledgment (LSA) on Howdy and destroyed her entire future. Slotted for registration on Friday morning, Frankton was prevented from registering within three milliseconds of her 5:45 a.m. time slot opening and was subsequently unable to get a seat in any of her required courses.
“It was the worst twelve minutes of my life,” Frankton said. “I searched and searched Howdy until I finally found the LSA hidden under the My Record tab, but by then it was too late. How am I going to graduate if every section of CHEM 227 is full? I have no chance of getting into med school now.”
Frankton will be deemed a closet major since she was unable to register for any of her major coursework. If her petition to return to full status fails, Frankton could be removed from her major or Texas A&M University entirely. According to BIMS advisor Sheraton Lows, Frankton’s failure to sign her LSA will likely lead her down a path of academic failure and even destitution.
“If only she had read my five emails titled ‘PLEASE READ!! IMPORTANT REGISTRATION INFO! OPEN THIS,’” Lows said. “Too bad we don’t allow force requests.”
— Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.