Ol’ Rock’s Inferno

One dark and stormy afternoon, Ol’ Rock the good Ag found himself in front of an Ol’ Ags Chilifest porta-potty. The inscription on the door read, “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate”. Feeling curious, Ol’ Rock looked towards the ever-present spirit of James Earl Rudder at his side and, with a deep breath, passed through. On the other side of the threshold, Ol’ Rock found himself in the nine layers of Aggie Hell and understood that his journey was to pass through in hopes of finishing his online semester with a somewhat intact GPA.

In the first circle of Aggie Hell, Ol’ Rock encountered the senior cadets who, due to the coronavirus, were unable to finish their spring semester off right by accepting the salvation of Brazos and taking Communion in their final review. In this first circle, Ol’ Rock found senior cadet Jason Merrick, who was condemned to an eternity of wearing his class B uniform. “The worst thing about being here is that I actually enjoyed my senior year,” Merrick said. “But now, I’m just stuck here without a chance of being competitive in the job market, and my contract is useless.” Despite witnessing this tragedy, Ol’ Rock could do nothing other than look away and keep going.

As Ol’ Rock entered the second circle of Aggie Hell, he found himself amongst the more promiscuous Ags who were condemned for their lustful behavior during their time at A&M. Those souls who scoured tailgates for drinks and ass were forced into an eternity of flailing and blowing around in the wind just like the beacon of hope they once sought refuge in, Willie the inflatable tube man.

Fearful, Ol’ Rock quickly ran away to the third circle. There,  he was met by a three-headed Reveille guarding upperclassmen Aggies who were judged guilty of gluttony for consistently stealing meal trades from freshmen. “I just wanted some Chick-Fil-A,” a cowering student cried out to Ol’ Rock. “Had I known taking advantage of younger students was bad, I would’ve just bought a better meal plan!” Unable to stand their sins, Ol’ Rock quickly rushed away.

Ol’ Rock then entered the fourth circle of Aggie Hell and immediately felt the overwhelming burden of greed and sin. In this circle, he was greeted by Texas A&M Transportation Services. Forced to carry the weight of unjustified parking tickets and ruthless standards, they lived eternally in endless discomfort.

Fleeing some speeding buses, Ol’ Rock found himself surrounded in the fifth circle of Hell by the wrathful and vehement CTO’s from the Corps. Ol’ Rock was incessantly lambasted with slurs and sentiments that could get him kicked out of the Corps if he were to utter them to a fish who was dealing with grief and detachment. Ol’ Rock and Rudder quickly left the circle en route to the sixth circle.

Entering the sixth circle of Aggie Hell, Ol’ Rock was then met by the heretics and two percenters of Aggieland, who spent their days at Texas A&M without attending a single football game, Silver Taps, or Muster ceremony. Ol’ Rock felt no sympathy for these Aggies and reveled in their punishment. They were forced to endlessly witness a future where the Aggies win multiple national championships and, year after year, indoctrinate new freshmen at Fish Camp.

Ol’ Rock, nearing the end of his journey, entered the seventh circle of Aggie Hell, which is home to those who committed violence. Guarded by a half-man, half-horse member of the Parsons Mounted Cavalry, those who were found guilty of drunken fights, whether they were at Northgate or a house party, were sentenced to drowning in a boiling river of the Shiner that fueled their drunken stupors.

After witnessing this terror, Ol’ Rock entered the eighth circle of Aggie Hell and saw those who were found guilty of breaking the Aggie Honor Code. Ol’ Rock observed that they were punished for their actions through an eternity of assignments that had to be done without any ability for falsification or internet access.

Arriving in the final circle of Hell, Rudder warned Ol’ Rock of the complete and irredeemable sin that resided there. In a tower of bodies of all those who were convicted of the worst sin of treachery to Texas A&M, Ol’ Rock found General Ramirez and John Sharp condemned to forever being chewed by the unhinged jaws of President Young. “These men have betrayed the traditions and values of Texas A&M by consistently killing beloved traditions and bringing on changes that leave our university to the terrible fate of being just another school,” said Rudder while trying to find a more comfortable position in his grave.

Escaping the scene, Ol’ Rock and Rudder emerge from the depths of Aggie Hell just in time for them to attend Aggie Muster and softly whisper “here” for all the good Ags in Aggie heaven.

 

— Hiss and Tell