Campus Squirrels Healthier Than Ever

With most students leaving campus for the remainder of the semester, the local wildlife have been forced to fend for themselves. Because fewer students are feeding them french fries outside of the Sbisa Underground and around the Zachry food trucks, the squirrels are reportedly in better shape than ever and have reverted to their natural foraging skills.

“This is a forced regression of squirrels to their primitive instincts,” said Sandy Helfer, a biology professor who studies the local squirrel populations. “They’re finally able to return to their natural tendencies with the reduced student population and have even been observed hunting for organic acorns and free-range insects.”

Students remaining on campus have also noticed the change in the squirrels. “Ever since the on-campus population has dropped, they seem slimmer and more active than ever before,” said junior animal science major Katy Simonson. “When I offered one of them a scrap of my Chick-fil-A sandwich, it gave me a look of disgust and scurried off in defiance.”

With the recent shift in the lifestyle of the local squirrel populations, Texas A&M students can look forward to healthier and happier squirrels. It is unknown, however, whether the squirrels will be able to adhere to their new diets when students return in the fall.

 

— Hannibal Lechner