Professor Also Human

Last Thursday, researchers from the College of Education and Human Development announced that their three-year study on the supposed humanity of professors has concluded. Preliminary findings indicate that professors are also human. The Mugdown obtained permission to interview several students and faculty study participants about their experiences.

“So she [my professor] can just hand out tests whenever she wants and not grade them for days on end?” junior Stacy Ellis said. Further investigation confirmed that the professor in question was too busy making funeral arrangements and grieving the recent death of her mother to return exams within five business days.  

“I just can’t come to class today. My mental health is too bad,” sophomore Roberta Nguyen said. “But I hope my professor stops being lazy and finally posts the homework grades.” In response to a request for comment, Nguyen’s professor revealed that she was also taking a mental health day from her strenuous academic workload and busy family life.

The study’s ethnographer found one visit to a classroom to be particularly enlightening. According to the ethnographer, students mercilessly joked about their professor’s height, weight, appearance, marital status, and baldness. Despite the distasteful nature of these jokes, students said their behavior was acceptable because the professor once described himself as “having mass” as part of a physics demonstration. The students involved in the harassment incident will receive no disciplinary action because “the professor totally started it, man.” 

Early analysis indicates that the majority of professors are still human beings with their own problems and emotions even though they occasionally wear business casual pants. However, the initial findings may be rejected by undergraduate researchers next week if their professor decides to be a total bitch by taking attendance. 

 

— Ring Chunks