BREAKING: There’s No Place to Eat
A divisive situation unfolded this afternoon as reports indicate that there is no good place to go for dinner right now.
Sources close to the situation confirmed that nothing sounds super appetizing at the moment, but that if the party just starts driving, they will probably decide on something quickly. Recent updates suggest that the situation has been complicated by the decision to go south on Texas Avenue, which would make it a real pain to turn around and try a place on University Drive.
When asked about his controversial stance on pricing, passenger Devin Schultz said, “I’m already over budget for the month, so I really can’t do anything super expensive. I shouldn’t even be going out at all since I have stuff at home.” His opinion found some support among the back row of the vehicle, though detractors say his policies are too restrictive and unfairly punish those with more resources.
Backseat passenger Julia Koenig also came under fire when she vetoed two restaurants under the pretense of having had tacos twice that week but later suggested Fuzzy’s.
All sides are hoping for a quick, diplomatic solution after one party finally conceded that they aren’t even that hungry and will probably just order water.
— Baptism by Dryer
You can find Baptism by Dryer fervently shouting “Come my children, experience the Lord’s warmth!” as he rotates through every laundry room in The Commons. He has spent the last four years proselytizing to unwilling freshmen while they fold their laundry with headphones in. Most don’t register a word he says, but some have heard his gospel and emerged from the laundry room changed (though his followers do keep disappearing after he officiates their conversion). We keep him around, but only because none of our members have disappeared…yet.