Cuffing Season to be Cut Short Due to Climate Change
In a recent landmark study published by the Texas A&M Department of Atmospheric Sciences and the Texas A&M Department of Psychology, researchers came to a startling conclusion: As the Earth’s climate gets progressively warmer, the romantic phenomenon known as “Cuffing Season” decreases in duration.
Dr. Amora Rhys, a postdoctoral researcher with the Department of Psychology, commented on the finding. “We compared various populations of students at Texas A&M to climate data from a 50-year period,” Rhys said. “The downward trend in the incidence of cold-weather relationships is strongly associated with the effects of a warming climate.”
Researchers noted that the average person could expect to feel the effects of this phenomenon as early as Spring 2020. “Now that you mention it, it has been unseasonably warm lately,” said sophomore Amanda Sasse, pulling out her phone to frown at a text. “It was 80 degrees the other day, and the warm sunshine made me realize that I began my current relationship out of fear of being lonely during the winter. I mean, Kyler [Sasse’s boyfriend of 3 months] is nice and all, but I really just wanted someone to take cute pumpkin patch pictures with.”
While many may see this correlation as disturbing, the study also found that the rise in another seasonal phenomenon could counteract the change to cuffing season. Researchers found that as climate increases, so does the duration of a period known as “Hot Girl Summer.”
“While our study was retrospective, there was some data regarding “Hot Girl Summer” that could be of some interest in future studies,” Rhys said. “It may be too early to say, but if current trends in climate continue, cuffing season as we know it may come to an end.”
— Panic! at the Flag Room
On an afternoon like any other in the Memorial Student Center, Panic! At the Flag Room emerges from her practice room underground. She taps out silent melodies on her leg as she ascends the stairs and heads toward Texas A&M’s living room and its iconic ebony grand piano. The seat is empty. Today is the day. After a few cautious notes, she launches into her ambitious rendition of “This is Gospel” with perfect flourish and aplomb. It’s elegant, it’s inspiring, it’s loud. It ruins everybody’s study session.