Ol’ Ags to Acquire One Army in Largest Men’s Organization Buyout in History

In what is being called the largest buyout in men’s organization history, Old Army Gentlemen’s Society (Ol’ Ags) is set to acquire competing men’s organization One Army later this spring. 

Although there were many reasons noted for the buyout, leadership staff from both organizations identified several major issues that led to the inevitable takeover. 

According to the current One Army secretary, social events have turned out poor gender ratios for the past seven quarters. With its upcoming acquisition, One Army is hoping Ol’ Ags will help them boost their numbers this upcoming spring.  “We were just too much about the boys,” said One Army member Wilson Gino. “So much so that we kind of forgot to actually invite girls to our events.” 

The organizations also wanted to be more competitive in on-campus events such as Songfest and banner holding. They are expecting record breaking t-shirt sales for Songfest as well as increased banner shift participation. “We feel that having five guys shout at passersby instead of two will really emphasize our service event,” said Ol’ Ags member Reed Baltmat.

Although both organizations are excited about the takeover, they understand sacrifices will have to be made. Bars such as Icon and Foundations, which are popular venues for date parties, will no longer be sufficient. The organization will have to look at renting out less socially desirable bars with larger capacities, such as Shiner Park. 

Covering 160 full-time students, the agreed upon settlement ensures ample social status for everyone involved and conjoined ownership of the tailgate donkey “Her Majesty.” 

For this year’s Chilifest theme, the new org has decided to go with Chilifest’s Got Talent. According to sources, local talent within the org will be competing with hopes of scoring the renowned golden buzzer, or “beer shower.” 

 

— Wehner Dog & Maroon Gloat