Local Church to Host Witch Trial for Magic Club
St. Genesius Catholic Church will be hosting a series of witch trials starting on February 3rd. The TAMU Magic Club is the first group to stand accused of witchcraft.
“I know people are supposed to be more accepting these days,” said St. Genesius member Sarah Gooley, “but outright Satanism will not be tolerated. We need to cleanse this campus of anything related to magic. I mean, aren’t public college campuses supposed to be secular?”
“It was bad enough when everyone was reading those Harry Potter books,” said church deacon Jason Gough. “Of course there’s entertainment value there, but no one is considering the toll this kind of participation takes on their souls.”
When asked about the schedule of the trials, Gough said, “We’ll be hosting them Monday through Thursday in the afternoons. This is so our members can participate but still go to Foundies on the weekends and mass on Sunday mornings.”
Jennifer Ambrosio, the president of the TAMU Magic Club, had little to say on the matter. “It’s just card tricks, man,” said Ambrosio while levitating in the center of the room.
The trials are set to conclude February 27th, with the convicted to be burned at the stake.
—Broken Reed Arena
It’s 9:47 on a Thursday night. Your group project is due at midnight, and there’s one member who hasn’t added any of her work yet: Broken Reed Arena. She won’t answer her phone, but you know where she is from her Snapchat story — she’s faithfully cheering on the women’s basketball team. You say a prayer. Suddenly, at 11:53, her perfectly formatted portion of the project appears in the google drive, just in time for submission. No one knows how she does it, and no one dares to ask.