Extra 25 Minutes of Class Absolutely Unbearable
A multi-year study conducted by the Office of the Registrar has concluded that students prefer 50-minute M/W/F classes simply because the longer T/TH classes are “absolutely unbearable.” The study, which evaluated the registration patterns and end-of-course appraisals of nearly 92,000 Texas A&M University undergraduates, found that students were 2.7 times as likely to choose to sacrifice their Fridays than to choose to sit in class for a full hour and fifteen minutes.
“Oh, I absolutely agree with the findings of the study,” said introductory chemistry professor Marcus Filberg. “It’s painful to watch students realize after 40 minutes that they’re going to have to continue scrolling through Instagram for another 35 minutes of my lecture.”
“I can usually focus for an entire 50-minute lecture,” said anthropology major Katrina Boaz. “I don’t think I’ve ever made it more than 10 minutes in a T/TH lecture without starting to despair.”
University officials are reportedly considering the removal of all classroom wall clocks to counteract the negative psychological effects of longer lectures.
—Heldenfalls
Once an average student eons ago, Heldenfalls committed some unknown sin against the Aggie gods and has since been burdened with a strange punishment: She is forced to carry her backpack to the top of the infamous Heldenfels stairs only to fall back to the bottom again over and over for all eternity. Though this may seem like a horrible fate, the philosophy department argues that Heldenfalls’ endless task represents the absurd heroism of the human condition. Each atom of that backpack, each mineral flake of those concrete stairs, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a woman’s heart. One must imagine Heldenfalls happy.