Student Rewards Self for Completing Basic Tasks
Following a weekend girls’ trip to Austin, communication major Brittany Mallory fulfilled the basic obligations of a typical college student last Monday. Reports indicate that Mallory attended not only her morning Media Campaigns lecture but also her afternoon Literature for Children class.
“It’s been a really exhausting day,” Mallory said when asked about her standard Monday schedule. “Overcoming the hardship of being a student isn’t always easy.”
Witnesses report seeing Mallory spend time between classes fully dressed and meeting in the library for a group project. The Mugdown found that Mallory even managed to appear at a meeting for an organization she voluntarily signed up for.
“Every time I make it to all my commitments or turn in an assignment on time, I treat myself,” Mallory said. “I thought about skipping my second class, but since I didn’t I obviously deserved a nap when I got home.” While preliminary observations show a distinct positive correlation between rewarding oneself and the ability to complete life’s most basic tasks, it is still unclear whether Mallory’s “treat-yo-self” mentality has any causal effect.
—Century Pee
You may think you know what it means to be hydrated, but no one takes water balance more seriously than Century Pee. No need for diuretics, this girl moves through fluids faster than a freshman Q drops CHEM 111. Century Pee usually lumbers more slowly than Mother Time, but when she feels the urge to go, she can move at the speed of light. Century Pee has been known to collect empty water bottles around campus, but rumor has it she doesn’t use them as spitters. Her kidneys are working overtime at minimum wage, so if you are taking a seat she has recently vacated, be sure and check first for a puddle.