Graduating Senior Can’t Wait to Let Another Soulless Institution Dictate Life For A Change
Reminiscing about her time as an Aggie, graduating senior Amy Sandford reported that she couldn’t wait to let another soulless, profiteering institution dictate her life for a change. “My time here has been a blessing,” Sandford said, “but I do feel like I’m finally ready to take the next step [into the massive, life-sucking pit that is corporate America].”
Having spent four years subjecting herself to the whims of a cold, inhospitable administration hell-bent on ignoring her basic needs in pursuit of a fatter bottom line, Sandford feels ready to hand over her fate to another equally callous private establishment.
“Thankfully, I have a few job opportunities lined up [at companies that might as well be run by Skeletor] already,” Sandford said. “Still, I’m trying to keep my options open [to sustain the illusion of personal choice].” Like a dog blindly chasing after a ball its owner only pretended to throw, Sandford is reportedly thrilled to offer her precious time and effort to faceless executives in exchange for lasting comfort and security.
“It’s going to be hard saying goodbye,” Sandford said. “I feel like I’ve made so many memories here [in the hours when I wasn’t terminally bored or on the verge of an anxiety attack]. But now I feel like the whole world is opening up for me. There’s no telling where I’ll go from here!”
Analysts predict that Sandford will most likely take a full-time position at the same company she interned for last summer, hate it immediately, and slog along for two years before returning to graduate school to start the cycle over again.
—Hullakazoo
If you have ever attended Midnight Yell, you have unknowingly seen Hullakazoo. He marches in amongst the band wearing a Walmart army man Halloween costume whilst blasting his shrill kazoo into the midnight sky over Aggieland. You may hear his kazoo echoing down the halls of Evans library late at night, but you will never find him. Thankfully we are the only ones who could corner him and got him to join us and say some funny stuff every so often. The kazoo playing is really starting to bug us though.