Cadet Wears Backpack, Chances of Getting Laid Plummet to 2%

This morning, junior cadet Daniel McDonald of Company H-2 made the decision to wear a backpack to class rather than carry two spirals and his MacBook Air. Unbeknownst to McDonald, he decreased his chances of getting laid to only 2 percent.

“We’ve been following McDonald’s case for a few years. He started with a single spiral and pen freshmen year, then moved to a spiral and a laptop sophomore year, and is now going to class with two spirals and a laptop,” said an unnamed representative from the Corps of Cadets’ marketing team. “He started with a 32 percent chance of getting laid fish year, which dropped to a 21 percent chance sophomore year, and he now is at a low 2 percent his junior year. There’s definitely a correlation between wearing a backpack and not getting any.” 

In the past, members of the Corps were not allowed to wear backpacks unless they were in the Class C (Camouflage) uniform. However, as academics became more of a priority for the organization, the Commandant’s team changed the rule to allow cadets to wear of a variety of book bags, including backpacks. 

“When I was a senior, I carried a single piece of notebook paper and my can of WinterGreen to class, nothing else. I couldn’t keep the girls off of me,” said Trey Lardon, a fifth-year construction science major. 

The Corps of Cadets’ marketing team is currently conducting a study to prove the relationship between wearing a backpack and not going to poon-town is actually causal. The Mugdown will continue to monitor the story as new developments occur. 

 

—Buffalo Wild Wags