Inconsiderate Mother Forces Student to Miss LSU Game for Father’s Funeral
Junior physics major Aaron Putz announced today that his mother was forcing him to skip the upcoming game against Louisiana State University for his father’s funeral.
“Now that I’m in college, I think it’s time for her to loosen the leash,” Putz said. “I’m twenty years old, and I don’t need her to tell me what my priorities should be.”
According to her son, Mrs. Putz has had a history of manipulative behavior in recent years. The family matriarch came under fire in 2017 for forcing her son to hug her goodbye after they moved him into his dorm and again later that year for making him join the family for Thanksgiving. Her record in supporting important Aggie football games is spotty at best.
“It’s just unreasonable. This is the most important game of the year,” Putz said. “Honestly, we could have planned around this. My dad should have anticipated this thirty years ago when he agreed to work in a factory where he was exposed to asbestos.”
—Baptism by Dryer
You can find Baptism by Dryer fervently shouting “Come my children, experience the Lord’s warmth!” as he rotates through every laundry room in The Commons. He has spent the last four years proselytizing to unwilling freshmen while they fold their laundry with headphones in. Most don’t register a word he says, but some have heard his gospel and emerged from the laundry room changed (though his followers do keep disappearing after he officiates their conversion). We keep him around, but only because none of our members have disappeared…yet.