Thursday, November 21, 2024
Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


High School Athlete Commits

By Longboard of Regents , in Sports , at November 18, 2019 Tags: , , ,

Earlier this week, Jake Hipscomb, a four-star linebacker out of Plano High School, announced that he will commit. His commitment has been much anticipated by his coaches, teachers, parents, and girlfriend. 

After neglecting his school work and relationships for three years, Hipscomb reported that he would reveal his commitments this Friday. In an image posted to his Twitter account, Hipscomb included the following: “These are my top 5 in no order….Mom, Geography, Girlfriend, Brother, English IV…. PLEASE RESPECT MY DECISION!!”

“I am ecstatic to finally see Jake make his decision,” said Hipscomb’s on- and off-again girlfriend of three years. “He has grown tremendously over these past few years and will excel in whatever he commits to.

“I don’t understand the excitement surrounding this announcement,” said Jake’s former chemistry teacher. “Jake told me that he would ‘commit’ to learning Lewis Structures, yet he quickly broke his word and dozed off every class period.”

Anticipation of Hipscomb’s Twitter announcement will be at an all-time high this Friday as many anxiously await to see what he will commit to and how long that commitment will last. 

 

—Longboard of Regents