Every Tradition Less Than Six Years Old
Information was released this morning suggesting major inaccuracies in current historical narratives at Texas A&M University. In a shocking turn of events, new reports asserted that every beloved tradition has been instituted within the last six years.
A two-year study analyzing the history of each major tradition revealed that most customs date back to 2013 at the earliest, with some notable institutions such as saying “Howdy” and having Yell Leaders appearing as recently as June of this year. The study notes that eight traditions materialized during the timespan of the project alone.
“While it is common knowledge that some traditions, like not walking on the university seal in Academic Plaza, are recent additions to campus culture, it appears that almost every other one was invented sometime in the last half-decade,” anthropologist Dr. Adrian Fassbender said. When asked how every student was unaware of each tradition’s relative youth, he stated, “I don’t know, I guess most people have only been going here for like four years max.”
Further investigation revealed that every student’s older sibling was fully aware of this inaccuracy. Additional prompting revealed that there were two to three Reveilles a year when they attended the university.
—Baptism by Dryer
You can find Baptism by Dryer fervently shouting “Come my children, experience the Lord’s warmth!” as he rotates through every laundry room in The Commons. He has spent the last four years proselytizing to unwilling freshmen while they fold their laundry with headphones in. Most don’t register a word he says, but some have heard his gospel and emerged from the laundry room changed (though his followers do keep disappearing after he officiates their conversion). We keep him around, but only because none of our members have disappeared…yet.