Autonomous Shuttle Replicates Aggie Spirit’s Terrible Drivers

With its two month demonstration coming to an end, Texas A&M Transportation Services has announced its autonomous shuttle is a success that faithfully replicates every mistake Aggie Spirit Bus drivers make within a typical work shift. 

“The shuttle was meant to create a microcosm that makes students feel like they are riding a normal bus,” said a Transportation Services representative. “That includes always running late, smelling like mildew, and suddenly braking like the stop signs haven’t been in the same spot for over a decade.”

The shuttle is equipped with GPS so that it can adequately ignore directions. Additionally, the shuttle uses LIDAR for obstacle detection so that it can properly stop for pedestrians on the sidewalk 300 feet away while failing to stop for bikers at nearby intersections. In order to process the combination of LIDAR, GPS, and IMU data, the shuttle uses a specially developed CPU. This CPU was modeled after the amygdala and prefrontal cortex of college students to give the shuttle an equally aggressive disposition. 

At randomly selected intervals determined by a specially designed random number generator, the shuttle’s computer will enter “texting” mode. Thanks to its dual core processor, the computer simultaneously sends a semi-coherent text while justifying pointlessly risking other people’s lives.

On rainy days, the shuttle bypasses its eleven passenger limit and allows additional passengers onboard. The shuttle also uses text-to-speech and its six internal speakers to sternly remind passengers to take off their backpacks and place them on the floor. 

Transportation Services hopes to replace student drivers with automated shuttles and buses within the next decade. “Providing students with jobs can be beneficial,” Transportation Services said in an official statement. “But we’re glad that we can soon stop begging students to have one of the worst jobs on campus.”

 

—Anime Sciences