Beutel Announces Official Switch to Essential Oils
Last Wednesday, A.P. Beutel Health Center officials announced that the clinic will prescribe essential oils in place of traditional medicine.
“We have been getting feedback for years from patients reporting misdiagnoses and prolonged illness after visiting our health center,” said Kimberly Santano, the director of student health services at Beutel. “Based on this feedback, experts at our facilities have concluded that Western medicine must be ineffective. We have decided to try essential oils and see if that fixes the problem.”
After administering essential oils in a double-blind study, researchers found that subjects in the control and experimental group still ended up seeking treatment from healthcare providers at other local clinics. “The way I see it is this: the results are about the same, but essential oils smell way better. We think this is the most logical next step,” Santano said.
Student Worker Nursing Assistant Jana Bethels, referred to as Nurse Bethels by her Beutel colleagues and patients, spoke with The Mugdown about the transition to alternative medicine, saying the switch was empowering to SWNA’s who were never treated like professionals before.
“I was not allowed to prescribe medication before, but now I can prescribe essential oils to my patients. I worked hard to complete my six weeks of medical training, and now I will finally have the same authority as any doctor.”
When asked about the small sample size used in the study, the Beutel staff reasoned that 75 percent of students are faking illness anyway, so the sample size of five subjects is actually representative of 20 students and can be evaluated along a normal distribution curve.
Beutel staff is hopeful that the added placebo effect will increase patient satisfaction with campus healthcare services even if the oils prove ineffective.
—Washboard Ags
Sure sure, we all know those muscle bound meatheads that infest weight rooms across the country, but here in Aggieland our dudebros are a little different. Instead of slamming weights and kicking nerds, our beloved Washbord Ags always has encouraging words to say or is there to spot you when you push a bit too hard. So if you ever see them at the rec giving the new folks helpful tips, be sure to buy them a smoothie to keep those Abs in proper Aggieland shape.