Psychology Major Can Diagnose Everyone’s Problems but Own

Nicole Leake, a junior psychology major, has reportedly diagnosed nearly every one of her friends and family members with some form of mental illness. Last Wednesday, Leake diagnosed her roommate with schizophrenia after a month of living together.

“For someone with mental health issues, receiving a diagnosis is the first step towards getting help,” Leake said. “I’ve had the opportunity to learn a lot in my major. It’s important that I use my knowledge to help others.”

Leake’s roommate believes the diagnosis is inappropriate and inaccurate. “I was only explaining my coding homework aloud to myself to check my work,” Gabrielle Rhodes said. “She thinks that I have schizophrenia because I was talking to myself.”

Rhodes is one of many individuals left confused following a diagnosis from Leake. Following his break up, Leake diagnosed her brother Ryan with an Oedipus complex. “When we were kids, it was obvious that he had a closer, almost obsessive relationship with my mom,” Leake said. “Ryan’s girlfriend was never going to stay.” 

“It’s normal for a kid to hold his mom’s hand when he’s crossing the street,” Leake’s brother said. “Would it have been better if I just held some random stranger’s hand? I asked her that, and she said that would have been an indicator of Obsessive Love Disorder.”

Leake credits her freshman year roommate, Julia Fuller, for helping her discover her love of psychology. “I first started noticing Julia’s problem when she would try to get me to move away from the mirror so she could use the sink,” Leake said. “She would ask me to move so she could trim her nails, and every time she asked she sounded more and more frustrated. The most obvious diagnosis was apotemnophilia.”

Fuller remains unconvinced that Leake’s diagnosis is accurate. “I had to keep asking her to move because she would spend an hour just looking at herself in the mirror every day,” Fuller said. “To say that wanting to cut my nails means I have apotemnophilia, which literally means I want to cut my arms off, is ridiculous.”

Leake plans to continue using her expertise accrued from her four semesters studying psychology to tell other people what is wrong with them.

“I really think I’m doing good,” Leake said. “It takes a special kind of person to be able to care for someone so much that you are willing to help them see and work through their shortcomings, whether they are aware of them or not.” Leake then spent the next 45 minutes staring in the mirror and complimenting herself, citing the importance of high self-esteem to avoid disruption of her id, ego, and superego. 

 

—Flash it Back, Ags & Anime Sciences