CAPS Introduces Group Therapy Battle Royale

In light of this semester’s budget cuts, Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) announced a new group therapy service to improve their ability to serve the growing student body. The program attempts to give students in need of mental health services a chance at receiving individual treatment. Participating students must fight to the death to win an appointment with a psychology intern.

In order to gain the skills needed to fight both their inner demons and each other, students must complete a series of online modules on fighting techniques ranging from the ancient art of Tae Kwon Do to more modern styles including the RKO. Preliminary participants were given weapons during trials, but they were quickly phased out when university officials determined hand-to-hand combat was the most cost-effective and therapeutic. 

“This new method narrows a large pool of prospective patients down to a more manageable group who have demonstrated their need for treatment by releasing the anger and trauma pent up inside of them,” said a CAPS spokesperson. “It’s a very economical method that allows us to maximize our effectiveness by reaching the students who need it the most.”

According to CAPS representatives, students who do not come out on top in the battle royale still receive some treatment benefits. Questionnaire data collected from the Sanvello app indicated that non-winning students experienced a 100% decrease in stress brought by the sweet release of death.

 

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