Young Rips Steam Tunnel Exploration as Irresponsible, Breach of Pact with Evil Presence Deep Within
Explorers were disappointed this week when President Michael K. Young reiterated the school policy prohibiting students from entering campus’s underground utility tunnels. Young emphasized that entry is prohibited due to the liability risk, dangerous industrial environment, and the ancient evil that dwells therein.
“Every year the administration catches thrill-seekers trying to gain entrance into these dangerous spaces,” Young said to reporters. “What students don’t understand is that these areas are filled with hazards such as slippery floors, hot surfaces, and a malevolent presence that forever lurks, biding its time until it can one day reclaim the world that the light stole from it.”
This year has seen a sharp increase in disciplinary trespass cases, despite bowel-shaking moans that constantly reverberate through the tunnels’ sunken walls and suggest that something unseen creeps deep inside. The Student Conduct Office hopes that acknowledging the unexplainable noises will discourage further break-in activity.
“Students have been sneaking into the tunnels for as long as anyone can remember, just as the darkness beneath us all has existed in the fringes of human consciousness ever since Cain first shed his brother’s blood,” Young said. “We’re understanding that young people make mistakes, but we ask for restraint, as tunnel accidents apply unnecessary pressure onto our janitorial and utilities staff.”
—Baptism by Dryer
You can find Baptism by Dryer fervently shouting “Come my children, experience the Lord’s warmth!” as he rotates through every laundry room in The Commons. He has spent the last four years proselytizing to unwilling freshmen while they fold their laundry with headphones in. Most don’t register a word he says, but some have heard his gospel and emerged from the laundry room changed (though his followers do keep disappearing after he officiates their conversion). We keep him around, but only because none of our members have disappeared…yet.