Second Coming Delayed Due to Lack of Parking
Jesus Christ of Nazareth was forced to delay his long-awaited “Second Coming” this week due to a lack of parking spaces on campus. Set to begin in Aggieland, The Rapture took roughly two thousand years to plan. It was foiled in the space of an hour by the unprecedented traffic surrounding on-campus parking. Like many other amenities, on-campus parking has failed to keep up with the continued growth that the university experiences each year.
“This is such a load,” Christ cried out as he circled the lot in his Jeep Liberty. “I pay three hundred dollars for a lot 100 pass, and there’s not a single open spot. I swear to Dad, this happens every time I try and visit. First it was the inns in Bethlehem, and now this?”
Despite the frustration, Christ acknowledged that the trip was not a total loss. “There’s actually some good that came out of all of this,” said Christ as he took a picture of the standstill five o’clock traffic. “We’ve been meaning to remodel Purgatory for a while now, and this has given me some excellent ideas.”
The Rapture joins the list of events pushed to the wayside by lacking campus resources. Other notable examples include Y2K, which was canceled due to a campus-wide connectivity issues.
—Hullabaloo Balls
In the wee hours of the morning on the north side of campus, the echoes of basketballs dribbling and ping pong balls bouncing signal the presence of none other than Hullabaloo Balls. Neither UPD nor Rec employees have even come close to catching this black market sports equipment dealer. Realize you showed up to an intramural badminton game without your lucky shuttlecock? Like the Bat-Signal, Hullabaloo Balls will sense your panic and supply your needs, vanishing just as quickly as he appeared.