Career Fair Attendee Brings Dishonor to Aggie Family

Danise Merkle, a senior management student, was found in an emotionally distressed state at her College Station home today. Merkle recently attended the business career fair, but she failed to acquire any legitimate job prospects.  Concerned about the wrath of her disappointed ancestors, Merkle has already begun searching for ways to atone for the great dishonor she has brought upon the Aggie family.

While her classmates attended follow-up interviews and considered proposals from potential employers, Merkle was left asking her parents if that one coffee shop back home was still hiring. When asked about her prospects for a career, Merkle reportedly told her parents that she “just has a lot going on right now.” 

After searching LinkedIn for more opportunities, Merkle purchased a ritual dagger from Amazon. If she cannot find an internship, Merkle plans to use the dagger to commit honorable Seppuku to avoid bringing further shame.

“I just don’t know what went wrong,” Merkle said. “I spent an hour working on my resume. I didn’t send any follow-up emails or anything like that, but who has time for that anyway?” When asked if she had researched companies before attending the fair, Merkle began to laugh, and then to cry. She also said that she had been to the career center “probably once or twice.” Eyewitnesses report that Merkle could be seen at the career fair waiting in lines for five minutes at a time before getting frustrated and giving up.

After a few hours of sulking, Merkle convinced herself that the fair was a hopeless waste of time anyway. “Getting an offer at the career fair is so arbitrary. No amount of prep can guarantee success,” Merkle said. She was last seen scrolling Hire Aggies, having decided to “become a hermit, like in the mountains or something.”

 

—Hullabaloo Balls