Pedestrian Crime Ring Disrupts Campus Traffic Flow
Last Thursday night, Texas A&M University Police discovered an underground criminal network called Our Right of Way. This secret organization of pedestrian extremists and cyclists was formed as an attempt to undermine natural traffic flow on campus under the guise of exercising their legal right of way.
Investigations began after Stan Dosier, senior business marketing major and regular four-way stop driver, reported suspicious behavior at the intersection between West Campus Garage and Lot 100. “At first, I thought it was an innocent coincidence,” Dosier said. “But I began to notice that whenever it was my turn to go, a pedestrian would always step out onto the crosswalk right at that exact moment. I knew something fishy was up.”
Sources disclosed that many drivers feel helpless against the extensive extremist operation. “Their power is too great,” student driver Megan Thomasson said. “As soon as a pedestrian steps foot on the crosswalk, I have no choice but to wait for them to cross even if it is my turn to go. There is nothing I can do.”
The leader of Our Right of Way gave The Mugdown a private interview; however, he asked to remain unnamed to protect his active comrades. “Our Right of Way is a group of some of the most dedicated Aggies around campus. Even if a vehicle is driving right at them, our martyrs are willing to risk their lives to defend our legal right to walk where we want whenever we want.”
While the unnamed leader is facing heavy consequences for his involvement in Our Right of Way, he has yet to reveal any relevant information about the group’s logistics.“With this decentralized cell structure, it’s going to take years to unearth all the members involved,” said Texas A&M University Police Chief Alan Durkin. “We are hopeful that if we start now, we might be able to prevent bloodshed altogether.” Main campus and west campus have already been extensively infiltrated by the crime ring; University Police fears the Health Science Center and the School of Veterinary Medicine will be the group’s next target.
—Washboard Ags
Sure sure, we all know those muscle bound meatheads that infest weight rooms across the country, but here in Aggieland our dudebros are a little different. Instead of slamming weights and kicking nerds, our beloved Washbord Ags always has encouraging words to say or is there to spot you when you push a bit too hard. So if you ever see them at the rec giving the new folks helpful tips, be sure to buy them a smoothie to keep those Abs in proper Aggieland shape.