BREAKING: Chancellor Sharp Has Opinion
In the greatest exposé in news reporting of the last century, The Mugdown scored an exclusive interview with Texas A&M Chancellor John Sharp in which he expresses his first-ever opinion, fully and completely unencumbered by the Board of Regents, President Michael K. Young, and major donors.
Chancellor Sharp said that the time to give an unfettered opinion is long overdue.
“I have been at Texas A&M for a good while now, and I think the time has come for me to break out from underneath the oppressive thumbs of interest groups and speak my mind for once,” said Sharp. “I have had a long and illustrious career of success and ingenuity, and I feel like it is finally time for my voice to be heard.”
Sharp cited politics and an intense pressure to keep donors happy as an incentive for playing the puppet for so long.
“When people give millions of dollars to this school, they expect you to cater to their every whim and play the fool,” said Sharp. “You have to entertain this person, take this person to dinner, and even go to the football games— my god, it’s like my own specially tailored prison!”
Despite the possibility of backlash, Sharp said the potential benefits far outweigh the costs.
“I know that we might lose some people, and I know that I’ll probably earn some Facebook rant from Tony Buzbee, but he can shove it right back up in his tank,” said Sharp. “If those fools only understood what I’m trying to do here — how I’m trying to bring Texas A&M into the future — then they wouldn’t complain!”
In his first official opinion ever, Chancellor Sharp took a step into one of the murkiest debates in all of Aggieland: the raging debate of Cane’s versus Layne’s.
“I just think that Cane’s is better,” said Sharp. “That might be New Army of me, but the sauce is smoother, the chicken, crispier, and the fries, saliter. It has everything you could want from a fried chicken joint — it really does.”
Though he knows many will disagree with him, Chancellor Sharp is confident A&M will pull through stronger than ever.
“I know students will come knocking at my door the way they did when Rudder integrated A&M,” said Sharp. “However I am prepared for it and welcome it, because this dialogue will help unite this campus like never before.”
—Fish Daddy
We really aren’t sure, but he’s definitely one of two things: 1) just an average marine biology major who loves his water bottle and spends a lot of time in Galveston; 2) the real-life inspiration for Disney Channel’s 1999 original movie The Thirteenth Year who has since discovered he can control his merman powers and survive on land for short periods of time in order to learn about his oceanic home and become an activist for Gulf Coast restoration projects. One of the two.