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Unremarkable Former Student Desperately Clings to Aggie Twitter Fame

By Hullakazoo , in Local News , at September 30, 2019 Tags: , , , ,

Despite graduating from Texas A&M University in 2015 and enjoying a stable software development career, unremarkable former student Garrett Humphrey is still desperately clinging to a fading Aggie Twitter fame, per sources.

Humphrey earned most of his 9,000 Twitter followers in 2013 after tweeting a string of sarcastic quips about the Aggie football team’s defensive woes and laying praise on then-starting quarterback Johnny Manziel. 

Though his rapid rise through the ranks of Aggie Twitter hierarchy had little to do with him or his everyday life as a computer science student, the daily dopamine rush he received reportedly fattened his ego substantially. This enabled his fantasy that thousands of strangers actually cared which local taco restaurant he preferred.

Years after receiving his diploma and leaving College Station behind, Humphrey continues to revel in his delusion of grandeur. Aggie Twitter remains the only arena in which he has come close to celebrity status, even if only among a niche pseudo-community on the most shallow social media platform in operation.

Sources close to Humphrey confirm he has foregone opportunities to move on and connect with his real friends and family in favor of pandering to a passive horde of avatars and screen names. Witnesses report seeing Humphrey looking down at his phone, constantly refreshing his feed for updates from other pitiful souls in utter fear of the thoughts that would plague him if he didn’t distract himself with tired political jokes and Astros gifs.

 

—Hullakazoo