College of Engineering Introduces Sorting Hat

With the influx of students generated by the 25 by 25 initiative, the College of Engineering has struggled to ensure the Entry-To-A-Major (ETAM) process can handle the annually increasing demands placed on it. For the last several years, the system has been pushed to its limit. In an attempt to remedy this, the College of Engineering recently announced a replacement to ETAM applications: the Sorting Hat.

Dr. Katherine Banks, the Dean of the College of Engineering, gave a brief press conference explaining how the new system will change the way students transition into their majors. “It works almost exactly like in Harry Potter,” Banks said. “We gather all the freshmen engineers in Zachry, and one by one each of them comes forward and puts on the hat. The hat then applies a carefully constructed algorithm, taking into account the achievements, anxiety, elitism, hopelessness, confusion, and GPA of each individual applicant before finally announcing their major.”

Dr. Banks has been swift to promote the Sorting Hat to students. While most students have received the new system eagerly, some have expressed their reservations. Students eligible for automatic admission into their major under ETAM are particularly unhappy about the possibility of losing that advantage under the Sorting Hat. “It’s completely unfair,” said Drake McAlfoy, a general engineering freshman. “I nearly had to get a time-turner to keep above a 3.5, and now they’re just going to let some stupid hat decide where I end up? If I don’t get mechanical, my father is going to hear about this.”

Preparations have already begun to transform the Zachry Starbucks into a Hogwarts-style great hall for the upcoming sorting ceremonies, a renovation that will reportedly delay the construction of the Student Services Building by one year.

 

—Hullabaloo Balls