Student Avoids Century Tree As If It Changes Fact That He Is Fundamentally Unlovable

Despite consensus among scholars that he will certainly die alone and unremembered, Craig Wilkinson announced Tuesday morning that he superstitiously avoids walking under the century tree alone.

“It’s really quite a shock,” sociology professor John Mahan said. “The last decade has seen major advances in this area of study, stemming from different universities, test methods, and entirely separate schools of thought, all indicating that Wilkinson is destined to never find love. In fact, only a minority of papers even contend that he deserves any human affection at all, and many of those haven’t been peer-reviewed.”

When asked for his opinion, developmental psychology professor Ian Sterling said, “In this field it’s unheard of to rank individuals in terms of likeliness to marry, but if I had to try, this guy would have to be near or at the bottom worldwide.” Sterling and other experts noted that Wilkinson’s unique mixture of below average social skills, selfish proclivities, poor personal hygiene, lack of concrete life plans, sweatiness, bad posture, inconsiderate habits, woefully idealized self-image, ignorance of current events, and weird looking face made it unlikely that any girl would even consider him for a pity date. 

“As his mother, I love Craig unconditionally,” Connie Wilkinson said. “However, I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard sometimes. His dead, goat-like eyes sometimes prompt me to meditate on the universality of human worth.”

When reporters asked Wilkinson for comment, he said “I sure hope I never accidentally walk under the tree, or else my love life is toast!” Experts later published a statement of consensus, calling his words “a display of hubris and naivety comparable only to the tragedy of Icarus. His foolishness is as contemptible as it is sad.”

 

—12th Man Card and Baptism by Dryer