A Pisshead’s Guide to Love & Dating

This article was featured in our Fall 2019 Print Edition. Copies are available throughout campus. Visit our Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter for location details. 

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Howdy, boys! It’s that time of year again. Bootchasers and cadets are looking to take Instagram photos with that special someone. Maybe you missed out on last year’s football dates. Maybe you’re single after your last girlfriend didn’t realize that your Bumble profile was to make friends. Whatever the case may be, you’re single and ready to get back on track for a ring by spring. If you follow these tips, you’ll have a line of possible girlfriends so long they’ll need to take a number while waiting on a date with you.

Be assertive
What’s the number one problem in relationships? Communication. If you’re having trouble getting your point across, it’s time to put on your sophomore pants and tell her what she’s doing wrong. It only takes ten days to turn a bright-eyed high school graduate into a fish, so it’s only natural that pointing out her flaws and telling her that she needs to fix them will turn that classmate cutie into your special boot chaser.

Explain the Corps to her
The Corps is a vast, unknown entity that also comprises 80% of your life, so it’s crucial that she’s up to speed on it. Don’t be afraid to explain it to her like she’s five years old if it takes her a while to catch up. A strong relationship is one where she understands what you mean when you say you were smoked outside the Dirty D by a MUC because your Blue Falcon whipped out to a Platoon Blue Shirt.

Describe PT to her
Your body is your temple (except the band, am I right?), and your girl needs to know how you martyr yourself for it. Make sure she knows how much you run and grind before she even wakes up.

Brag about what you do to the fish
Girls love a bad boy, and nothing’s worse than physical and emotional abuse that violates state law. Girls just don’t understand that ax handles and destroying personal property build the leaders of tomorrow. After you explain that tears are just weakness leaving the body, she’ll fall faster than a fish class’s retention rate.

Crap on wags
We all know that Old Army died in 1974 when they let women into the Corps. Besides, women love catty gossip about each other, so nothing will get a girl’s attention faster than explaining why they’re ruining what you love most in the world.

Smoke her out
Exercise is a fun activity that brings a couple together, so why not share it with that special someone? She’ll be picking out your wedding’s invitations in her head after you’re done watching her do push-ups and wind sprints until she collapses from exhaustion.

Have an emotionally vulnerable conversation about how you feel when you’re with her
Yeah, and then tell her that you love all these New Army changes.

 

If you use these tips, you’ll have a trail of boot chasers longer than a discipline brief before finals. Go out and gig’em cadet.

 

—Space Cadet