Students Celebrate Landing Jobs at Most Evil Corporations in the World
Several graduating seniors were observed celebrating their latest round of job offers this past weekend. When interviewed by The Mugdown, many of these students expressed their excitement to accept gainful employment with some of the most morally objectionable corporate entities on the planet.
“Job hunting this past year has been stressful with graduation on the horizon, so it’s a huge relief to have found a company with a great culture that really seems to care,” said senior supply chain management major Gina Hartman about the semiconductor manufacturer that had hired her. Sources confirm her new employer filed paperwork last week to fire a dozen warehouse employees who had been rendered disabled by a workplace accident. Experts believe the management’s cost-cutting practices caused the catastrophe. Leaving for a celebratory dinner with close friends, Hartman said, “landing this job is a real weight off my shoulders!”
Construction science major Kyle Katz was interviewed while he prepared for a night out at Northgate to celebrate his recent successes. “I’m just elated,” said Katz, proceeding to shotgun a can of beer. “These past few years have been great, but a few days after graduation I’m off to start onboarding at my first big land development job, and I couldn’t be happier.” At the time of the interview, the land development corporation was finalizing property transfer documents with a local company. The owners of the long-running family business were reportedly dejected when they learned their family’s property would be bulldozed to make way for a parking garage.
When asked if he had any moral qualms about working for a large accounting firm, graduate management information systems major Sid Thomas said, “If we were only judging companies by their worst actions, no place of business would pass the litmus test. We have to consider the good that each of these companies has done, and the resources they have given people across classes to live comfortable lives. Yes, a company exists to make money, but the people who run them aren’t the cartoon villains we think of them as.”
At the time of reporting, the CEO of Thomas’ new firm was seen tying a screaming woman to train tracks. Afterward, witnesses said he began snickering and rubbing his hands together sinisterly before he twirled his mustache, pulled up his cape to obscure his face, and rode away in a carriage drawn by a pair of jet-black horses with red eyes.
—Baptism By Dryer
You can find Baptism by Dryer fervently shouting “Come my children, experience the Lord’s warmth!” as he rotates through every laundry room in The Commons. He has spent the last four years proselytizing to unwilling freshmen while they fold their laundry with headphones in. Most don’t register a word he says, but some have heard his gospel and emerged from the laundry room changed (though his followers do keep disappearing after he officiates their conversion). We keep him around, but only because none of our members have disappeared…yet.