Freshman Popularity Correlated to Available Meal Trades
As the spring semester comes to a close, freshman biology major Cole Dwyer could not help but notice that sophomores and other upperclassmen increasingly wanted to hang out with him.
“It all began in my FLEX GroupMe,” Dwyer told The Mugdown. “I made one comment about how many meal trades I had left, and suddenly I was the most popular member in the organization.”
Dwyer initially dismissed his new popularity, believing that the older students genuinely enjoyed his company.
“I started getting all kinds of messages from people asking me to hang out around lunch and dinner time,” Dwyer said. “I became suspicious when people started canceling on me when I’d hit my meal trade limit for the day. After a few weeks went by, I got added to a new GroupMe where people only asked for food.”
At press time, Dwyer reportedly had 74 meal trades left and was still fielding requests from upperclassmen. The Mugdown is currently investigating similar reports of meal trade abuse.
“I couldn’t believe it. I really thought I was more than just a meal trade to these people,” Dwyer said. “Anyway, I have to leave now if I’m going to make my 7:00 p.m. Panda Express hangout.”
—Longboard of Regents
You know that douchebag that rides his longboard in the “No Bike Zone” between the Memorial Student Center and Rudder? Yeah, that’s our Longboard of Regents. When he actually shows up to meetings, you can count on him to sit in the back and Juul with his head drooping to the side as he tries not to fall asleep.