Men Offer Everyone Personal Planet, Big Hit in Astronomy Department
The Physics & Astronomy department of the Texas A&M College of Science was buzzing with excitement last week thanks to two young Mormon missionaries who promised to give all students their own planet.
The two missionaries, Elder Jedediah and Elder Max, are on their two-year mission, which almost all Mormon youth participate in after graduating high school. They are assigned to the Bryan/College Station area and had had little luck converting people until they entered the Mitchell Physics building.
“At first no one was interested in changing religions,” said Associate Professor Hassan Paitnak. “But when the missionaries mentioned Mormonism lets people become like God and get their own planet, most students converted then and there.”
Currently, over 75% of the Astronomy student body has converted to Mormonism. However, Theology Professor Linda Harmwall predicts almost every student will deconvert when they learn they’ll have to give up coffee to receive their planet.
—12th Man Card
12th Man Card is consistently losing his manhood, whether that be by skipping “Saturdays Are for the Boys” parties, drinking Michelob Lime Cactus or holding his girlfriend’s purse during football games. 12th Man Card is willing to sacrifice his manliness for love, leaving him with a constant turnstile of love interests that never seem to satisfy his romantic needs.