Third Wheel Thankful To Not Have Your Dumpster-Fire Relationship
Contrary to your own false perceptions, your friend, Chloe Wellner, was reportedly thankful to not have your dumpster-fire relationship on Wednesday. “It is so nice not to have their relationship,” said Wellner, who frequently ends up third-wheeling with you and your boyfriend. “I don’t have any boyfriend drama or a boyfriend at all for that matter,” she said after spending an hour listening to you accuse your boyfriend of constantly prioritizing his friends over you.
Despite Wellner seeming lonely at semi-formals, date parties and mixers, her experience watching you and your boyfriend’s cycle of “silly arguments” and PDA scenes has negated any feelings of jealousy she might have had had she spent time with a couple in a more stable and healthy relationship. Your unsuccessful attempts to hook her up with your boyfriend’s less attractive brother have also proven totally unwelcome.
Sources confirm that, thanks to witnessing your inexplicable devotion to a boy who has never stopped texting his ex or remembered your anniversary, Wellner does not long for someone to take cute photos or mugdown with and has no plans of actively pursuing one soon.
—Homewrecking Crew
Gentlemen, lock up your girlfriends, Homewrecking Crew is out on the town tonight. He’s tall, brutishly handsome and has a smile that can melt even the most loyal of girl’s hearts. Rumor has it that making prolonged contact with those dreamy eyes can make a relationship that lasted since high school dissolve into obscurity. So if you’re hoping to give her that ring by spring, make sure you keep her safe from Homewrecking Crew!