Texas A&M Ranked #1 in Bullshit Metric
Texas A&M reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit, oddly specific metric. These rankings placed A&M as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are likely unfamiliar. This is A&M’s highest ranking ever in this narrowly defined category that required four different modifiers to reach a sub-field specific enough for A&M to be ranked at the top.
“This obscure ranking clearly demonstrates that Texas A&M is a uniquely excellent institution,” said President Michael K. Young. “It allows the administration to claim that A&M is #1 without having to put in the effort to improve the university in any way that is actually meaningful, justifying several years of questionable decisions.”
The Mugdown uncovered that the university administration uses unpaid interns to trawl through the internet to look for literally any list that A&M is ranked highly in. Sometimes this strategy succeeds, and sometimes it backfires. In December, A&M made national headlines for inadvertently publicizing that they were the #1 university in the country with only one recreation center per 60,000 students.
Going forward, the student body hopes that Texas A&M will continue to provide a top-notch experience in this very narrowly defined category that affects a tiny minority of current students and faculty.
—Big Brother Jed
Just when you think that you’ve eluded his many eyes and ears around campus, that’s when he’ll strike. Big Brother Jed is dedicated to eradicating the scourge of premarital sex sweeping this campus after his roommate freshman year sexiled him from their dorm room one too many times. Operating out of local coffee shops, he’s built up an intelligence network so fearsome administrators have begun referring to it as the Christian KGB. Tread lightly around him or you’ll be caught in the midst of a thought crime before you know it.